What Does Giving Cash as a Holiday Gift Say About You?

Navigating the gift-or-bribe divide

As December rolls around, I find myself plagued with the usual gift-giving anxiety. It’s usually not the big gifts, but the little ones, that leave me questioning myself. How much do I leave the mailman? What about my son’s Spanish teacher? Three years ago, after our post-Covid move to the suburbs of NYC, I gave my kids’ teachers what I thought were very nice $15 certificates to the coffee shop, only to learn that some other parents were handing out $50 Target cards. 

Complicating this further is my hypersensitivity, as in-law to an immigrant family from the former Soviet Union, to the subtle dynamics of the “gift-bribe.” Too little is insulting. Too flashy, suspicious. 

Ask my Siberia-born, Georgia-raised father-in-law. This man, a bastion of affectionate practicality, comes from a place where the best gifts are necessities, not luxuries. In his world, socks and underwear are the hallmarks of a thoughtful gift, while anything too expensive or too unnecessary carries the whiff of a vzyatka – a bribe. Ironically, cold hard cash, in his eye, is the ultimate practical gift. Whereas my own (US-born) family is the opposite: you give a gift of something the person would never shell out for themselves, like rhinestone-shaped silicone toe separators for tired feet. My sister once gave me a lovely set of knives. A gift that, according to my in-laws, is too fancy and might possibly sever our relationship (giving sharp objects is a bad omen).

So this year, as every year, I’m caught in this tug-of-war between my father-in-law’s Soviet minimalism and my American urge to show love through lavishness. I'm convinced, though, that after three decades in the States, he's got a hidden hankering for something fancier, even if he'd never admit it.

Incidentally, there is a whole industry that’s arisen to address the angst that many Americans have around giving cash. The “gift certificate,” adopted by many large US department stores by the mid-1930s, was invented to offer the anxiety-reducing flexibility of a cash gift without the anxiety of the perceived coldness that cash might convey. Perhaps this is another version of the gift-or-bribe divide: a gift certificate is slightly less useful - and thus less mercantile - than cold hard cash? (Given that the global gift card industry is soon expected to surpass a trillion dollars a year, it seems that we’re willing to pay big for this silk-thin cover of symbolic warmth.)

Of course, when it comes to my dear father-in-law, I can’t give a certificate. The man prides himself on having nothing he wants to buy. So, what do I do? After much soul-searching (and scrolling), I find my answer. I settle on a pair of woolen socks –not your run-of-the-mill, bargain-bin variety that I buy for myself, but the kind that feel like a portable fireplace for your feet, or like a bear hug from a yeti – absurdly snug and slightly mythical. Pricey, yes, but unassailably practical. A foot in both gift-giving worlds, so to speak. And when he opens them for Hanukah, there's this flicker in his eyes, a silent admission that perhaps, just maybe, he's not entirely immune to the charms of American extravagance.

What about you? What gift-giving customs are you choosing to adhere to or to adapt? If you give cash in a red envelope, are you doing it this year through an app?  Are you wrapping your gifts twice (or not wrapping them at all to show your love of the planet)?  Are you still stressing over that time you misread the gift-giving culture you found yourself in? If gift-giving is a love language, it has dialects — share yours. Leave a comment or email me a voice memo from your phone (Just keep the VM to 3 minutes or less and let me know if I can use it in a future episode.)

A Tax Deductible Gift to Rough Transition

Speaking of gifts of cash, you can now give a tax deductible gift to Rough Transition, thanks to my partnership with Homelands Productions. Follow this link and be sure to select Rough Transition from the drop down menu. Even a contribution of a few dollars a month goes directly to the costs of independent journalism. I’m excited to share with you some new stuff I’m working on in 2024. And thank you to those who became paid members on Substack. You make it possible for me to write this.

And if you’re a free member, welcome as well, because cash is only one kind of contribution. Thank you to those who have contributed your attention, your comments, your voice memos, your stories, your ideas.... fill out this google form so I can better get to know you and why you’re here, and get a second chance to win a postcard.

Saturday Evening Post magazine ad, December 1913

End of Year Lists…

Thanks to the writers at Vogue for including Rough Translation in their Best Podcasts of 2023.

The top of this post includes an audio read - by popular demand - let me know if you want those!